Unsupportive 'friends'

[anisha]

Brace yourself, I am about to rant.

Okay so we all change something about us at some point and time and there are those friends that don't agree with our decisions, but respect it. And then there are those friends that flat out don ??t respect it OR those you tell you that they respect your decision, but along the way you pick up on their cues and language that says otherwise.

I am sure that most of us have experienced or knows someone who has experienced ?? when trying to lose weight your friends say that you don ??t need to, only because they don ??t want to see you loose weight because it will make them conscious of their own weight issues.

Argh, I hate that!! I thought all my roommates were supportive, but I am beginning to think otherwise. It ??s so sad why do people have to be so vicious and unsupportive. If you don ??t agree with my decisions ?? just tell me! I will respect you more if you express it verbally in my face than if you give me signs and hints.

I am a firm believer that while in transitioning to any diet or lifestyle that sometimes you are going to crave something ??bad ?? and that you have the right to indulge yourself once in awhile without going overboard. But on of my roommates has justified every time that I indulge. Yes, it ??s my fault too.
So I stopped indulging myself and justifying it. Now I am doing my best to climb to my 100% bench mark and stay there. Well when we are making future dinner plans at restaurants, I obviously try to make sure there is something that I can eat whilst there ?? salad or whatever. Well she (the roommate) says, ??It ??s okay you can order a salad and nibble off my plate. ??
This is what I felt like saying: ??Um hello!!! You are going to be eating meat, steak ?? I don ??t eat that anymore!!!! Did you forget? Cause being raw vegan is part of my daily life like you being a negative person!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ??

Arrrrr ??she gets on my nerves. I feel so betrayed since she already told me se supported me. Plus she has different types of weight issues and I think that is influencing the way she treats me. Can ??t trust anyone these days?!

Then there are other people that I am slowly learning that don ??t respect my decision and beginning to put their input to maybe change my mind.

I realize that I have a battle of some sort that I will be facing for quite awhile with people that don ??t agree or believe it is too extreme ?? being a raw foodist. I need support; and if anyone has tips of how to deal with some of these issues, I would greatly appreciate it.
Thank you for letting me rant. I feel better

[SnowBunny]

Hi Anisha,

First off, way to go sticking to it and still being willing to go out on the social scene. That's been a hard one for me as I have to go out to meals with clients and coworkers/friends several times a week. It's gotten better with my coworkers/friends and now I'll even bring my own salad dressing! I relate this treatment that you're talking about to when my husband stopped drinking and later when I stopped wanting to go to clubs and parties all the time and started eating raw. Maybe it will help you to remember similar times in your life and will understand more of why she may be acting the way she is.

The girl I was going to parties with and out all the time, we were inseparable! Saw each other almost everyday and we did lots of other things together, watch movies, swim, walks, workout, racquetball. Now that I don't want to go with her til the wee hours of the morning and drink with her, I RARELY see her. Maybe once every other week. The reason is and I asked her one night when she was drunk and I had to take her home... She feels guilty that she's drinking when she knows she shouldn't be because it's making her overweight, depressed and it hurts her stomach. She still always tries to get me to drink when I see her when she knows I won't and will say something like "oh, no fun" or "oh, you're still doing that raw thing?". This from the same girl that totally supported me going raw, but now that I'm sticking to it, doesn't like it. That 'raw' thing

My husband, years ago, thought he had a drinking problem. All his friends always hung out at the local bar and pretty much all they did was eat out and drink. His friends thought he was crazy for thinking he had a problem. At this point he, was at the time, overweight, depressed and had a dim future, not to mention his father was a recovered alcoholic. He tells me it was uncomfortable the first few times hanging out with them and they'd make little jokes and some said they supported him. He had cleaned himself up, he wasn't as depressed and was loosing some weight. But after a little while it got kind of nasty. They didn't want him around anymore if he wasn't drinking and he pretty much had to stop hanging out with them and it ended up splitting up his relationship with a girl that was a heavy drinker.

Bottom line is... whatever you're doing, it's something that your roommate wishes she could do too. She knows that it would help her feel better and loose weight but wants to do that and eat her steak too (like most americans).
Now you come along and you're actually doing it when she may have been supportive at first, but most likely thought you were going to fail maybe? Now, perhaps unintentionally, you're holding her accountable. Just like I was holding my friends who so badly want to loose weight and tell me over a big dish of cheesy pasta and their 5th glass of wine... and like my husbands friends who may have been more into drinking than my husband was at the time.

So try not to let her get on your nerves too much as she may doing it because she knows that's whats good for her or she knows that you're bettering yourself. People hate that... trying to be better, as it makes them feel that they should push themselves too. (Many of my girlfriends will now only eat salad around me because it holds them accountable and some women that I work with professionally too when they go out to eat without me and they call to tell me later!) Who knows... Maybe years from now your roommate or other friends will remember how you ate and will realize their need to change their lifestyle and go raw! So if you look at it that way, next time she makes a remark, you can be sure that you're not only doing the right thing for you and your body, but also for those lives that you will touch.

Oh and another note... "Arrrrr ??she gets on my nerves. I feel so betrayed since she already told me se supported me. Plus she has different types of weight issues and I think that is influencing the way she treats me. Can ??t trust anyone these days?!"

You can!! I know what it's like feeling that way. Remember that it's making her feel better when she's picking on you. Like when someone's a bully at school, it's usually stems from another place, like rough family life etc. So it will be hard but don't let her get at you, she's trying to wear you down, most likely not purposefully. But if you stop eating raw, she will feel better because you failed and if you can't stick it out there was no way she ever would (at least that's what may be going on in her subconscious mind).

And there's lots of people here that are fully supportive of you being raw and treating your body like a queen! So here's to you, your majesty

[SnowBunny]

Wow that was long... Your note struck a chord with me apparently. Is Anisha your real name because I found this to help you remember part of who you are...

Anisha means continuous, without interruption; that which has an everlasting flame for eternity.

[greenbunny]

Yeah!!!! What Snowbunny said. All the bunnies are in agreement.

I once casually said to a friend over the phone many many years ago that I was going on a fast for a few days just as part of our conversation. She soon told me that she no longer wanted to to talk to me me because whenever I said things like "oh, I'm going to fast a few days" it made her feel like she should be doing that too and so didn't want to be around me any more.

I eventually found that the only capacity that most people found it comfortable to be with me in was with me as teacher, helper and healer. Since I could see with the eyes of compassion (the kind that Snowbunny is referring to) what those people were reacting to in me and not react back, people stopped judging me or trying to stop me and because of my comittment realized that maybe they should ask me to help them instead - and I would. Even strangers started telling me all their problems on a regular basis. That started to get tiring and unfulfilling so I started spending most of my time by myself.

This might sound lonely and at times it is a bit, but at least I know that I am in good company. I'm very good to myself. I'm a good friend. I'd rather have one good friend in myself (after all, I am the one person in this world that I absolutely have to live with for the rest of my life) than spend time with hundreds of people that aren't good friends - not even necessarily because they don't want to be - but because they aren't at the place where they have the capacity.

If you can access the understanding and compassion that Snowbunny is referring to your life will be easier and can be really fulfilling and of great service to others.

If you are jaded and old like me you might do what I do and say, "f...ck that sh....t" and run for the hills and spend way too much time chatting on the internet with you guys (who think like I do) instead. I'd rather have good cyber friends than annoying 3d friends. I support you Snowbunny, and as concescending as this might sound, right now I am more important than your roomate because I love myself and take care of myself just like you do.

Scr..w 'em! Hang out here with us or spend quality time with yourself and let everyone else live with their own sick and fat and stagnant bodies while you bathe in the light of health and energy.

So there!
Greenbunny

[rawhippie]

oh, ladies, ladies, ladies....
i have come to a (one of the many i've had) realization over the couse of my two short years of being raw. but let me start out first with my story....
i worked with a girl who sounds similar to your roommate, anisha. she was bulimic (spelling?) when i started out, she was very supportive and all about me loosing weight...with her. in the beginning i knew i had to transition and ease in, so i would allow myself indulges just as you do, anisha. every time i would consider "cheating" she would tell me "it's okay, it's just a bagel, it's not like you're gonna gain weight back from a bagel." but every time i would slip, she was right there saying it was okay. she was supportive, but not they way I thought i needed it.
the biggest problem was that she was hearing my "diet" as that...weight loss. she totally missed the idea of actually doing this just for my health.

i think what was happening at first was she really thought that those words were supportive....because that's what she wanted people to say to her. the difference between healthy people (be it raw, vegetarian, whatever) and the general population is that we flaunt our accomplishments in the simple act of eating. what happens when we all eat our delicious, different food? we get very excited and share with people how great we feel. where do most of us eat? at work in front of people who share no words about how they feel after eating their food. it's odd, even though food is eaten in front of people alot, it's a very private, embarassing and seemingly sinister thing.

having control over our bodies and our destinies is a HUGE accomplishment and quite intimidating at the same time.

but let's disect a little bit further.....where does this sense of accomplishment come from? OUR HANDS

our hands control the health of our bodies (of course our minds, too, but roll with me here)
people take motion for granted. our hands operate the motions to make or break our existance. making people aware that "all you did was make better choices in your diet" reminds people that they are lacking control.

and where does that leave us?....control is the single most sought after position people feel they need to be ahead. knowing they are not ahead lets them know they are not in control, so the simple act of you being near them makes them think they are behind. and that translates outward into society that you bother them. but it's not really YOU, do you follow?

i came to these realizations and kept them to myself, because i can't change human nature, but i can choose to observe it and move through it with this knowledge and live peacefully.

that girl i worked with started to get distant, too. i was winning my battle with weight, she was loosing her battle with self image and self esteem.

the simple act of caring for yourself opens up so many wonderful and awful things........don't be scared of them, they are all life lessons that present themselves to you for a greater purpose. not everything will be immediatley about you or because of you.....remember that. most people live thinking that other people's reactions to situations are because of something they have done TO them. stop and think about how you handle situations, now stop and think about how THEY handle situartions. it has nothing to do with you, but all to do with their own security. maybe one day they will have the capacity to stop and observe things around them and take it in, maybe even move fluidly with things instead of negatively and abruptly stopping them.

anisha, it's not you, you have support, and you know it. these are the times the people who really care for you will be left standing, and that's all that matters.

alright, who am i, freud?
wphew!
thanks for letting ME rant, and i'm sure some of it didn't make sense as i was writing as i was thinking...oh well, sorry.
peace
hippie

[anisha]

Everything made sense in some realm.

Wow you three brought up some many great, positive points. That is just what I needed! (that's how i look kind of. although i am not yellow and my hands don't come out of my head! haha)

In some odd way, it feels very relieving that other people have had similar experiences and dealt with them or friends made it clear how they wanted things. How sad! to dump a friend over a positive change. I think that is utterly pathetic. But it makes sense, as all of you pointed out in different ways.

Yes, Anisha is my real name. That is a cool meaning. Plus my mom told me that it means: morning, sunshine. That's Rawtastic!!
I think I am going to make a poster of those words and post them in my room. Thanks.

I did not think of being a positive influence in people ??s lives while they were being negative towards me. Good way to put in Snowbunny!

I enjoy your choice of language Greenbunny , that ??s how I feel on reacting a lot!! Your last line gives me a lot of motivation:
??Scr..w 'em! Hang out here with us or spend quality time with yourself and let everyone else live with their own sick and fat and stagnant bodies while you bathe in the light of health and energy. ??
That ??s going up on the wall too.

Rawhippie, I have made the connection that our hands control our wellbeing before, but its not something I constantly think about. That ??s going up on the wall too.

Thank you all. I will give you an update on what happens.

These banana's remind me of the banana's in Pajamas theme song....Noooooooooo.

[anisha]

Definitely not a good thing that I figured out where to find these fancy smileys and stuff.